Just over a month ago now, my mother passed, it was not expected, but something that has been on the cards for some time, but still it hits hard at what was already a tough and emotional time, it wasn't until a few days later as we all started to unpack the news and process it that we realised that mum had passed at the same day on the same weekend, almost to the exact hour that paramedics were in the house attempting to stop my last seizure, a few hours later I was to receive my diagnosis. I was already having a tough time before the news, the weather was hot and really uncomfortable, I was not coping with it too well and struggling to work, the weather was set to get worse, making life quite difficult. The heat affects me in several ways, firstly, it saps all my energy, secondly, it makes my brain fuzzy so to speak, it is akin to having static electricity charging around my brain, lastly the dehydration, I am learning that as I dry out it affects me quite badly, everything becomes more twitchy and it is harder to think and focus, add all this to being in an emotional state it was a recipe for disaster.
The funeral it's self was nice, it was lovely seeing family which I have not seen since my wedding three years ago, I struggled with being around many people and having to explain what felt like a million times what has happened this last twelve months was extremely draining, at a time when I just want to try moving forward and not being defined by my tumour and surgery it certainly did not help, for family it must have been tough seeing me so broken, they all knew of my state and were aware that there were good and bad days, I don't think they really understood what a bad day really meant and how it affects me. Since the funeral though the weather has cooled and I have actually experienced my first good day in six weeks, while still far from great, it was brilliant, like a huge weight has been taken from my shoulders, although the following day I crashed a little, I still felt positive, the body was functional still and moving reasonably well. With the cooler weather I am hoping my confidence will return and I can try cycling once again.
With all the down time of late I have had a lot of time to think and get my thoughts in order, for the first time in over a year I feel brave enough to think further ahead than my next scan, about what I want to do with my life from here on in and what I want to change and prioritise, first and foremost is to look after myself better and make significant changes to improve my health, should the worse happen and the tumour return, I want to be in a stronger position as possible to fight this fucker off yet again, I am desperate to get out cycling and most of all get out and go bivvying and later on, get back into cycle touring once again with my friends, I so want to cycle over in Europe again and cover the coasts of France to Denmark, possibly even up to Sweden and Norway. With better health almost come the ability for my to be more present in work, as I become physically and mentally stronger I can be more present in work, this takes the money strain from my shoulders, to help keep my head above water I have sold all of my camera equipment and one of my bikes, right now I am considering seeing the others with the view of picking up something more universal that will cope with all of my requirements. Lastly, I am due to retire in about 16 years, more or less....Yeah I don't plan on retiring, that shit will kill me quicker than a tumour will, I recently discussed this with my wife, unless things vastly improve I cannot see myself returning to full time work, I will probably achieve a four day week which to be honest I really want, I was looking into it prior to my diagnosis as I was aware I was struggling, come retirement age I plan on dropping to a two to three day week, combine that with my pensions this should allow me to be financially comfortable and able to enjoy my later years with my wife. Lastly I want to pick up a camera again, when I get some spare money again I will pick up something and start again, I have missed it of late, not having my own transport and being kinda immobile and dependant on others to get around has been a little restrictive, I noticed that even from the relatively small number of photo's I have on my Alamy account I actually have sold some images, all small amounts but I would like to expand my light box and put some more content out there.
This is about all for now, the trouble with flushing too much from my mind is putting it into something that others can understand, I think in the future I should write down the bite size pieces to make it easier to write here later on, so thanks for reading and bye for now.
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